Thursday, April 26, 2012

lessons learned from the husband

{what? you don't make your (then soon-to-be) husband pose senior-picture style on a very uncomfortable fountain whilst drunk on the 4th of July in Put-in-Bay? wow. you really need to live a little.}

Shawn is an educator.
When he's not busy schooling his students in the classroom, or in dodgeball, he is teaching me all sorts of irrational life lessons.
And he doesn't even know he does it!
That's how good he is at his job, folks.
And obviously how much he loves what he does because it doesn't even feel like work!
 We should all be so lucky.

So what profound information is my hubby sharing with me?
Prepare to have your mind blown and your world changed FORRRR-EV-ERRRRR!

Lesson 1: ESPN is as essential for life as oxygen.
No matter how many times they replay the same stories, you MUST watch it. 
On the daily. The hourly. Every free moment you have during your day!
I mean, they make it so convenient to stay connected to sports it's impossible to ignore.
If you must read, read sports. If you must listen, listen to sports radio. If you must watch, watch SportsCenter. And if you're at dinner with your wife, download the mobile app.
Whatever you do, just stay alive, man!

Lesson 2: It's not the weekend unless there is a case of Bud Light in the fridge.
 Around these parts, we only drink Bud Light {because there is obviously a HUGE difference between light beers}.
And there better be some in the fridge on Friday night or we might as well be working six days a week.
Because can you really even relax or enjoy yourself at the week's end without a cold one?
I didn't think so.

Lesson 3: All is well as long as the house is clean.
As much as we have tried to will the dogs and cat to clean up after themselves {and pay rent}, there is just no getting through to them. 
And our maid hasn't shown up in YEARS! The nerve.
So the house isn't going to clean itself. And if it's not clean, nobody better be happy.
We all have our OCD tendencies, and I cannot fault Shawn for this one.
But cleaning is serious business around the Ritter household, so there is no fun and games until every strand of dog {and Holly} hair is swept, every garment washed, folded and put away, and every speck of mildew rinsed from the shower.
And if you are ever faced with a less than tidy appearance at our house, it's every man, woman and four-legged friend for themselves!

Lesson 4:  You can never have too many candles.
OBSESSED!
That is the only way to describe Shawn's love for Bath & Body Works candles.
And, let me tell you, an entire shelf in our decent-sized linen closet {plus some under the kitchen sink and in random drawers throughout the house} is NOT too much space to devote to our candle collection.
Nor is it wrong to purchase candles every.single.time there is a 2 for $20 sale.

Lesson 5: Meditation is good for the soul.
You might walk into our house and think we're just being lazy and watching TV.
But in reality, we are practicing what is called entertainment meditation. 
Yeah, it's probably a real thing - look it up. 
The goal is to sit in silence and watch reruns of Seinfeld, King of Queens, Two and a Half Men or The Big Bang Theory {which is probably THE BEST show on television right now}.
Shawn is an expert. On occasion, he has maintain his meditation for hours without peeing.
I'd classify myself as a novice/intermediate. 
I am ashamed to say that sometimes words or songs just escape my lips subconsciously, and my bladder has been known to pick fights with my kidneys.

Lesson 6: Buying electronics and sports apparel is not the same as shopping.
If it can be delivered to your home or purchased from Best Buy, you have not, in fact, gone shopping.
And searching stores, in person, such as the Buckeye Corner or Dick's Sporting Goods for particular items does not count either.
Therefore, you should not experience the side effect known as "buyer's remorse." This is for amateurs.
However, if you are spotted swiping your credit card at Old Navy, Forever 21, or any "mall," you have officially gone shopping, and you will be plagued with guilt and ridicule for spending money simply for pleasure.

Well, I think that is all the time we have for today's class.
There is no homework, but feel free to indulge in anything you've learned here in your spare time.
Have a great rest of your day!


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31 comments:

CALLIE said...

Hysterical and all completely true!!

I love that he has an obsession with candles ha!

PoppyHarleyLove said...

Lol! My husband has taught me similar "life lessons". Entertainment meditation is practiced daily around our house!

Babygirl said...

I do believe your hubby and my hubby would get along quite well!

callie ;) said...

i can attest to the candle obsession and the bud light. for sure.

love you, shawnie. ;)

Carrin said...

Haha! My husband is what we refer to in our home as The Hair Nazi! He is bald by choice and happens to have to Justin Bieber wanna be sons, 2 daughters & a wife with very long thick always shedding hair along with 2 dogs & a long haired asshole of a cat. There is no way on God's green earth our home will ever be hair free! Yet he is always always on the warpath about it. ;)
I just shake my head, say "whatever" & flip him off behind his back.

Katie said...

hahah this was hilarious! My husband is a clean freak also, but his obsession isn't just with the house. It's with all of our cars, the yard, it even goes as far as cleaning his phone and WALLET every night.

I have the candle obsession in our house. I also feel it is nescessary to buy B$BW candles when they are 2/$20.


This was a good post! I enjoyed it!! :)

caitlin said...

hahaha what is it with guys & having to watch ESPN like their lives depend on it?! Between that & the flipping NFL network sometimes I just want to scream "NO MORE SPORTS FOR 24 HOURS!!"

Sami said...

Too funny! Please tell me that your husband is going to read this because that would make it even better :)
I hate that guys can always watch ESPN.. like why? It's not like we watch the Home Shopping Network all day or something. Sports channels are boring!!

~Katie said...

This is hilarious! I found myself saying Brad too to like half of these!

Liz with the Lovely Life said...

AGAIN- so funny!
I think I need you to guest post at my blog like..once a week minimum!!
You have an awesome sense of humour and a great outlook on life!!
When you find out how to get your pets to clean up after themselves and pay rent- let me know!!!
Have a great day! You have made mine!!
-Liz

Alicia @ To Columbus and Beyond! said...

Please tell Shawn to get Joe to love candles.
Also, I agree with everything else you say, so weird. :)

Mary said...

Such a wise man. lol! Loved this post!

Syndal said...

Bhahaha the shopping one- right on the money!!!!

Nikki said...

Entertainment meditation!!! I love it! Hilarioius :) thanks for this!

Lauren said...

So funny and definitely all true! But the BBW candles ARE the best - love them! Get the new Island Colada for the summer - it's awesome!

Audra said...

I enjoy Shawn....

:)

Christina said...

This is great! I love Lesson 2!

shay said...

omg i feel you on #1. my hubs eats, breathes and sleeps ESPN. i actually trained myself to fall asleep to it. on nights when i have insomnia, and he happens to not be watching it (gasp) i sweetly ask him to turn on sports and within 5 minutes, im out like a light. LOL

Carolyn said...

BAHAHAHAHA! Minus the candles and cleaning... this is Jake! :) So funny.

Stephanie said...

Oh my word...SO FUNNY. And every single bit of this is true. Seriously!

Kristin W said...

Haha...I had to laugh out loud when you mentioned your animals paying rent. My husband and I joke about this ALL THE TIME. How they should pull their weight (um, two dogs and two cats totally need to be able to do SOMETHING around the house) or at least clean the litter box ;) Unfortunately neither of us have any OCD or cleanliness tendencies. So we really need to consider that maid idea...

Ellie said...

Hilarious Holly, and spot on. Love your vernacular.

Shelby said...

I just found your blog and it's totally adorable:) Want to follow each other?

Shelby
shelbychasingbirdies.blogspot.com

Dana said...

I agree that everything is right in the world if the house is clean! But with a new baby in my house, I've had to learn to push my OCD aside and accept a little bit of messiness every now and again. (Ok, daily...)

Found you through a few different blogs and glad I did. Happy to be your newest follower!


xox,
Dana @ www.five30three.com

Ashley Kisslinger said...

haha I love it! Love your blog!

xoxo
http://www.ashleykisslinger.com

Taylor Grace said...

Could not agree more with all lessons! Most specifically 3 and 4 though. My dog can take all of his toys out of his basket so why can't he return them? He's so rude sometimes. Cute blog though, glad I found you!

jacmaries said...

hahahah I love these lessons! Isn't it funny how particular guys can be?

Happy Wednesday, pretty!

Kelly { MessyDirtyHair } said...

hahahahah so funny! i totally can relate to the sports center one! i feel like its always on at my house! gotta love it...its TMZ for boys!

Tara St said...

I WISH my boyfriend had a love of candles and cleaning like your husband. I've had to explain many times that you can't just clean once a month and pet hair can get UNDERNEATH furniture and that splashing water on the counter is not cleaning...I could go on.

Tara
Penniless Socialite

Michael Westside said...

I can't believe i read thru all that. What's wrong with me?

Taylor Temnick said...

Oh Ho-Ho!!! This made me giggle incessantly while at work. Not appeasing to everyone who heard me but too dang funny!! miss you & your wisdom!

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