Tuesday, July 31, 2012

you'll never believe me

If you've read this post, you may not believe what I'm about to say.

Two of the three cookouts Shawn and I attend this weekend had babies at them.
Cute, squishy, cuddly babies. I held them. I played with toys with them. I talked in a funny voice to them. I danced with them.
And then I got to thinking.
And here's what you may not believe.
I think about having kids all.the.time. 
I wonder what it's like to be pregnant. I wonder if I'll be a good mom. I wonder how much my life will really change. I wonder what it's like to give birth. I wonder what it's like to hold my own child. I wonder what it's like to watch my child grow up. I wonder what it's like to not drink during football season.
I don't share my wonderings with anyone. Not even Shawn. Until this weekend.
It took me a day to convince him that I was serious.

For the first - OK maybe the second time - I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to have kids.
Again, this isn't something I've shared with people. Anyone.
Some of our friends are in the child phase of life or preparing for it, and some of our friends are single and nowhere close to that phase of life.
Which leaves me torn.
Am I ready for a major life change? How big of a change are we talking here?
I feel like it's one of those things you don't know until you try it. No one can tell you how a child will change your life. How your child will change your life.
And yeah, this was something Shawn and I talked about this weekend.
Sure, we've touched on the subject many times, but this was deep.
Like put-into-words-things-I've-never-said-out-loud-before deep.
Short of making a pros/cons list, we talked about now versus a few years from now.
We talked about finances. We talked about readiness.
We talked about babies.
If you know me, you know this is huge.

When people have asked when Shawn and I are going to have kids, I've responded with: "never," "not for awhile," "who knows," "none of your damn business" {OK, I may have just thought that one to myself}.
In my mind though, kids have always been a distant future thing.
Then Shawn turned 29 last week and I realized how close to 30 we actually are. Not that 30 is my magic number for having kids. It's not. I welcome 30 - kids or no kids. Honestly, I haven't felt a day over 15 since last night when my lower back hurt from sitting in a chair too long.
But the truth is - there's no age I want to have kids by, and after talking to Shawn this weekend, there's no rush or time limit.
We want to do what's right for us. And our budget.
As, I believe, everyone should.
And yeah, money is one of the biggest factors in our decision. 
Why? Because we want to be able to give our children the best that we can. Always. And realistically, that's going to cost money. Of which we don't have a lot of extra right now.

So what's the verdict from our baby conversations this weekend?
We've got some bills to pay off that would make us feel a lot more stable and prepared financially.
We've got some vacations to take. Master's degrees to finish. And home buying to do.
We're going to wait.
We're not going to rush.
We're doing what's right for us. And our future ginger kids {you know my husband's a redhead right?}.
 And I'm going to continue holding and dancing with my friends' babies at cookouts, making last-minute plans with my single friends, spending quality time with my husband and taking my birth control.



Steph @ Professors_Wife said...

I loved this. I'm exactly where you are, and I have had more than a couple of tearful conversations with my husband, milling over whether or not I'm ready. He's ready, but he's a Professor with summers off and a super flexible schedule. I'm a workhorse, I love being at the office, etc. I, too, wonder what I will feel like pregnant - will I be a trainwreck? Will I be beautiful and joyous? Who knows?

I think it's possible to overthink, but I definitely think it's very possible to underthink. I wouldn't say I have baby fever... but maybe a baby bug. haha ;)

Alicia Marie said...

Good for you! There really is no "right time" for anyone to have kids, beleive me I'd know being 7 months pregnant at 23 right now, but knowing that you can wait for a better time is a smart decision. I wouldn't take back anything that's happening in my life right now, but I know if it was later on it could be easier on me and my husband. But life is unpredictable and lovely sometimes! :)

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

Amen to that, sister! I'm really getting tired of people saying that "there's never a right time" and "you'll never have 'enough' money saved up". I actually feel like many people completely disregard finances because of reasons that seem irresponsible to me like "we always wanted the kids to be close in age."

Cheers to you guys for being smart about it! And I agree. People need to curb their baby questions. There is a time and a place to ask. And there's no need to ask every single time we see each other at a party. :-)

Amanda said...

I'm so glad to hear there are other people about my age having real conversations like this! I spend a lot of time around babies and I have them on my brain constantly but I know that now is not the time.

I want to be able to stay at home for a few years and we are in no way financially stable enough for that. We do have the house already, no car payments but I still have student loans and I've just really started in my career.

I think in a few years things will be different for us and probably you as well. Only you can really know when the time is right!

Katie said...

Love this post and love that you were this open on your blog especially since this is a subject you hadn't spoke deeply about before. I'm not a mom yet. I'm hoping to start trying soon. I want to be a mom more than anything. Good luck & I agree there shouldn't be a certain age to have children by. I always use to have an age in mind, but that just get discouraging if it doesn't happen.

callie ;) said...

i love this! and you and shawnie will be fabulous parents...when you are ready to be. :)

callie ;) said...

p.s. and i will be a happy aunt callie when that day comes. :)

Anonymous said...

Its as if you were in my head this morning...I am feeling the same way. I am enjoying every moment with my husband and single friends, but I enjoy time with my friends kids and the children I babysit! I turn 29 this year as well and a few times as of late my clock has been ticking very loud!! Thanks for sharing!

Jamie said...

So exciting! When I was ready it hit me like a ton of bricks. Good luck getting everything in order to make it happen!

Carolyn said...

Jake and I have been having these SAME conversations! I think it's so important to discuss stuff like that, and I know you'll make the right decision for you guys! And those someday ginger kids are going to be ADORABLE! :)

Myra said...

Love this. Hubs and I have similar discussions. We are in a good place, but we are still selfish. And you know what, it's okay. When the time is right, we'll have kid(s). Until then, it'd be SWELL if people would lay off asking "when..." every single time they see me.

And when you have adorable little ginger babies, please bring them to Texas so I can play with them!

Katie said...

Baby fever is cray cray, one minute I'm thinking 'maybe living child free is right for me' and the next I see a small squishy baby and my uterus contracts. *sigh* It's tricky!

Amber said...

I can really relate to this post. I often find myself thinking the same things. I LOVE kids, but am not sure if I am ready to "share" my husband just yet, or time to myself. I have only been married 4 months and know all the "baby" questions will just get worse. So many of my friends already have kids...but you have to do what is best for you and your husband. I think it is smart of y'all to wait if you know there are things you want to accomplish before having a child.

Stephanie @ bourbon and glitter said...

It's nice to read about someone making a grown up decision about something that really is a big deal. I have a lot of friends with oops babies - not that they aren't loved or perfect, just that it would have been easier if the parents worked out the timing and the finances beforehand. Good luck to you and Shawn when you decide you are ready! Even though they'll be ginger and that's a little creepy ;P

tiff@thecoffeehouse said...

I totally just thought this was a pregnancy announcement. I think I read it twice before I realized that it wasn't. I just saw "PREGNANT" and "PREGO" and then I saw you ... as a cute little pregnant woman. And oh I can't wait for that. But I agree ... there is no rush.

Kelly { MessyDirtyHair } said...

i totally go through this...i call it baby fever! its almost like our bodies reach a certain age & all we can think about is babies!!! i think youll know when the time is right. i always figure ill have kids when im ready to give up being selfish. such an honest post. & thank you for the linkup shout out youre amazing & i love you! xoxo Kelly

Married...with a Pup said...

Love your honesty! I had an overwhelming feeling for the FIRST time ever this summer at the pool. I looked at some little boys running around, and I was like, "wow, I'm not annoyed...I must be ready to have kids." Haha, I'm so serious!

Stephanie said...

Good for you sister!! Get your shizz straight and THEN make room for baby! That's what all the cool kids are doing! (And by "cool kids", I obviously mean Beau and I lol)

Hollie Ann said...

i could have written this post myself! not that i'm married...ha! but i feel like kids are something i WANT but i'd be okay without (maybe) being READY or as ready as you can be is SO so important if you can help it.

i'm glad you decided to do what's right for you :)

Janna Renee said...

We're not sure if we are ready for kids yet either! We have gotten our finances in order, but it's still a HUGE financial change. Like you, we want to give them the best IF we have kids. To be honest, we aren't positive that we want them. I feel like we will, but I think we are going to just go with the flow. I have tested infertile once, so it all just depends on when my body makes up its mind!

Dana @ five30three said...

Good for you on making a declaration to wait until the timing is right for you and your husband. I had my son a month after I turned 29 and being a mother is the hardest job I've ever had...but nothing I would change. I can't imagine having done it any earlier or waiting any later. My husband and I started trying when we felt ready, knowing that it could take time. You'll know when the timing is right for you!

Kate said...

I'm 31 years old and don't have kids. You're right - there is no age or time frame that a person should do it by. You have to figure it out for yourself, your marriage and your finances. I'm proud of you for resisting the urge and for being SMART about having a child. So many couple have children in their mid 20s and can't afford them... Not that money is everything, because it's totally not. But wanting what's best for your child is key to being a good parent and clearly that's what you will be one day!!

Mary said...

This is awesome! You two are going to be such fun and amazing parents. There's no rush :)

KRISTIN said...

I love this! Isn't it SO scary thinking about kids? We had started to have "the convo" and every time I thought we had a good timeline figured out I would completely freak and think we're not ready. Then SURPRISE! Positive preggo test. So, we really had no choice to "deal" with it, which surprisingly has actually been great for us! Terrifying, but really exciting. Had we not been thrown into it, who knows when we would have tried. So...you could always try that. ;)

Design Apprentice said...

Love this post. You'll be a great mama when the time is right, I am sure. And nothing, I repeat NOTHING is cuter than a ginger baby ;)

Kristin W said...

I'm close to that same page. I haven't quite felt that "desire" to have a baby, and I certainly don't think a ton about it (although working with kids does make me think more about it). We felt the same way...the we'll re-approach the subject (in we decided 5 years) after paying off some debts (specifically student loans), etc. They all say, "you'll never feel financially ready" but I guarantee you paying down some debts will make you feel a hell of a lot better than not. After speaking to friends having a baby now, there are so many other aspects to having a baby that I never considered (additional relationship tension, time off work, sex life, etc. etc.), it's good to think it all through and at least TRY to make an educated decision when possible! Glad to know there are others talking and thinking logically instead of rushing into it like it seems all around me are.

Casey said...

I loved this post so much I included it in my series, Lots of Link Love. I hope you'll come check it out, and maybe share it with your readers!



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