Monday, January 14, 2013

a real argument with my husband


It's true.
Shawn and I argue.
 And we usually argue about the same thing over and over.
Yeah, you'd think by now we'd have this tidbit figured out and stop jawing about it, but hey, marriage is hard work!
 Bottom line: we often feel disconnected.
Sure, we're home together most evenings, but between cleaning {him}, homework {me} and TV {both of us}, we don't make enough time to have quality conversations or even just time being present together.
We are both creatures of habit and we get so busy crossing things off our individual to-do lists that we forget to check in with each other.
I've realized that it's so easy for me to let life happen - work, cheerleading, grad school, social life - and take for granted the one person at the center of it - my husband.

Feeling disconnected has led many times to miscommunication or a lack of communication - about our feelings, our wants, our needs, our dreams, our life together.
 And we all know relationships take communication - good, honest communication.
Well, Shawn and I have found that our communication ruts hurt our ability to really feel connected.
Sure, we're on the same page about a lot of things, but we are still two different people bringing our own views into our marriage.
It's when we communicate less about those deeper issues/views that we feel the most disconnected.


 In the past, Shawn and I have had this conversation and we haven't made an active plan to truly bridge the gap between us that is filled with all of our other responsibilities.
Sure, those other responsibilities will always be there, but better communication can help close that gap, making it easier to connect with each other.
For starters, we're going to have a date night once a week. We've decided that we'll spend time without the TV on to just be present with each other.
I have other ideas too - such as making a list of 12 things {one a month} that we want to do this year just the two of us, and other little things I can do to let Shawn know how much I appreciate him.
Such simple things, that can get lost in the daily shuffle, that mean so much.

What do you do to stay connected to your significant other?
How do you keep your marriage from getting into a rut?

Our marriage is a constant work in progress.
I think that's the way marriage should be.
But it's easy for too much stuff to get in the way of feeling truly connected to your spouse/partner.
Shawn and I have let the "stuff" get in the way too often for too long.
Still, I think being able to have an honest discussion/argument/tiff/chat {we went through all of these phases on Saturday night} about this is a promising quality in our relationship.

Love is a battlefield, my friends.
Sometimes you'll get close enough to set off some land mines, but with the right equipment - love, communication, honesty and faith - you'll survive.



Ericka said...

My Fiance and I have recently (over the past couple weeks) started going for walks once or twice a day. The two main reasons we started going on walks was for one, to get us off the couch and moving more than normal (I'm hoping it evolves to running instead of walking, but I'm not pushing it yet!), and two, to take our dog for a walk every day. However, it's more than that. It's a time where the two (well, three with the dog) of us are out of the house, away from the tv, computer, and our phones, and we just talk the entire time we are walking. It's a great time for us to tell each other about our day or just talk about whatever. I totally get where you are coming from, and I think having time for just the two of you is great!! Good luck :)

Amanda said...

I want to institute a few nights a week where we don't turn on the TV, we put the phones and computers away and we just sit and talk. We are going on a little mini-vacation next month to Hocking Hills where we are always able to reconnect since that's where we fell in love. Sometimes I think we both come home from work annoyed and not wanting to be around another person and don't communicate enough on a healthy level.

I want to fix that since we're just four months into our "marriage" although we lived together for two years before that, its still a work in progress!

Katie said...

posting something similar tomorrow! great minds think alike ;) I think date nights sans phones are so important!! and TURNING off tv during dinner!

Married...with a Pup said...

I couldn't agree more Holly! Love this honest post.

Melissa said...

I thought me and my husband were the only ones! We go through these same troubles. One thing we like to do is play UNO in bed after the phones are off and before we lay down to sleep. No TV. We laugh and have a good time and we get to talk and chat about the day with no distractions. It's funny but I think those are some of the times I feel like we connect the most.

Mia @ The Chronicles of Chaos said...

Ahh! I love this post, this is one of my goals for 2013 - to fall in love with the hubs all over again. Meaning, connecting more, spending more real quality time together, turning the computers/phones off and just being "present" together. So glad we're not the only ones who have this argument, haha. :)

Thanks for sharing, hope you have a great day.

Anonymous said...

Love this honest post! Add 2 boys in the mix and its even harder. We always plan a date weekend once every month. My parents take our boys and we just do what we want, together, from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. It keeps us connected and takes us out of our "every day" to talk about what's been going on. I love it because it brings us back to where we used to be when we were dating and everything was much simpler.

callie ;) said...

this happens to mike and me, and we're not even married yet!! i think it's normal - you just get so comfortable in your little "rut" and you forget about trying to make the other person feel needed, wanted, and important. i agree, conversations/arguments about this are important. good for you guys!!

i love your ideas about having something once a month for just the two of you to do and for having weekly date nights. :) said...

Great post!! I feel that way too...the routine becomes too "routine"-work, grad school (me), baseball coaching (him), eat, watch tv, go to sleep- it all takes it's toll and I'm left feeling lonely even though I see go to sleep haha. we do date nights at leats 2 times a month and I want try to have dinner with no tv on, just the two of us at least once a week. You're totally right and marriage is hard work...all relationships are hard work, but they are worth it :)

Amber said...

I think so many couples go though this - especially with the way technology has gotten. We are so accustomed to checking our cell phones for everything. You need to find a time that works for both of you to openly communicate. It is easy for me to do this when I am cleaning, cooking or even before bed. Long car rides are also great for conversations...and turn OFF the TV

Kristine said...

Love this post friend. I may not be married nor have I ever been, but both my ex and I had found that love truly was a battlefield and I can totally relate to this because I've been through it; only with my should've been/was practically husband ;(

Mary said...

Great post! Andrew and I are second-screeners: we read or look around the Internet/our phones while the TV is on. This normally isn't a problem, but it can lend to a silly routine.

For example, once this weekend he wanted me to listen to a song with him that reminded him of me. I was so distracted by everything going on that I didn't hear the words. It definitely taught me the lesson of presence. I closed my laptop, put away my phone, muted the TV, and listened to the song. It was awesome and so incredibly sweet.

I need to remember to focus once in a while instead of balancing everything around me! We go on date nights all of the time and definitely plan to do so when we tie the knot next year!

Kelly { Messy.Dirty.Hair.} said...

I feel ya on the ruts. We always seem to go through them at the exact same time every year. What helps us is getting a hotel room & just getting away for the night. Ordering room service & just being with each other. Relationships are hard. I think date night is a fab idea!! Xoxo

My-cliffnotes said...

I love this I feel like this with M sometimes too

Kristin W said...

Dude. Thanks for sharing! You really got me thinking that D and I can often get in the same situation. I think our travels help us. LOTS of time in a car/airport/hotel room can give you time to talk, but we definitely need it more on a weekly basis. I'm trying to get us out of the house more at least one day of the weekend and do something active which includes bonding.

Thanks for making me think more about this. Goodness, between TV and social media stuff...we totally need to connect more.

Katie said...

We get in these ruts also. My husband works his normal 40 hours plus does many side jobs after work. Friday nights are usually 'our' nights. We are both exhausted from the week. A night of just us on the couch is what we love. I agree though we also need more time of communicating and actually being present with each other. After long work days it's easy to just shut down, but too much of that leads to these ruts.

Casey said...

I really want to start doing a no technology night, or something where it is just the two of us. Maybe when the weather is nicer and it doesn't get dark so early we will go on walks or something. Marriage is hard. No one really ever told me that.

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Chelsea said...

Awww, I love the honesty of this post, bestie. I know for sure how not properly communicating can ruin a friendship/relationship/marriage. It's so refreshing to see how the two of you are really making a point to spend time just being together - the two of you. I know you have so much on your plate and can only imagine how you have time at the end of the day to breathe, but you're amazing. You both are :)

beth said...

That's great that you have the communication "thing" figured out, good for you. Believe me, it only gets harder once kids enter the picture and more important than ever to make time for each other.

KRISTIN said...

These are great ideas! I have been thinking a lot about this lately because since the baby was born I feel like Jason and I are more roommates than we are husband and wife. I know this is a major transition in our lives and in our marriage but I miss my hubby! I may have to implement some of your ideas.

Z said...

just stumbled upon your blog. Your blog is so great...feels like you write right from your heart (like me).
Cant wait to get to know you.
My better half & I OFTEN fight about how kids should eat..blah blah.

Hollie Ann said...

what an honest post! communication is so, so important....sometimes i feel disconnected from my bf and i know it's because we're obsessed with our phones/social media/whatever.

what about board games? we've bene playing letterpress on the iphone and it's so fun. board game night with friends is fun too. another one could be dinner with no phones...easy enough!

you guys will come up with something and date night is a great start :)

thanks for sharing gf :)

Whitney said...

I love the honesty in this post! It's so true about marriage. It takes work. Thanks for sharing your feels and insights!

I think technology is a terrible divider. TV, phone, computer. There is so much distraction that it makes it hard to have genuine conversations without one of those getting in the way!

Happy to have found your blog! Love it and am excited to follow along!

Lisa - respect the shoes said...

Relationships aren't easy - you've got to really work at them sometimes. I think that's part of what makes the good times in a relationship so worthwhile. It's great that you and your hubby understand your issues and are trying to resolve them.

smk053078 said...

Oh girl, Ross and I went through this about 2 years ago. All marriages's called getting complacent. We just try to have date nights, play games together, sit on the porch and have some drinks. You have to make an honest effort to change. And I am so happy that the both of you recognized it and are putting a plan in place. marriage is a constant work in progress....and def a battlefield! I am rooting for you guys!!

Janna Renee said...

Will and I talk about our day as soon as we get home and have some giggles, we always plan stuff in advance, so we are always talking about dinners, plans, what's coming up, etc., and we have dinner together EVERY night. We try to make sure that at least a few of them are at the table with no tv every week. We also have a lot of date nights. Communication is DEFINITELY the key to a peaceful marriage.

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