Tuesday, April 15, 2014

what i'm capable of

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{Blogger Shot Caller tee from IWYP}

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Every once in a while, I'm plagued by an overwhelming feeling of self doubt. Sometimes it smacks me in the face out of nowhere. Other times I can feel it coming on, much like I assume people who get migraines can feel a migraine coming on. Last week, self doubt woke me out of a deep sleep.

I laid awake thinking about all the things that I had been putting off - the things I'm afraid to do. I made a mental list of these things and silently chided myself for not having the balls to complete what seem like such simple tasks.

I laid there doubting decisions I had made - mostly about grad school. I laid there analyzing my monthly budget in my head, trying to wrap my brain around our new mortgage payment, student loans and other looming debts.

Somewhere around budgeting for the month of August, I passed out due to self doubt anxiety exhaustion. And when I woke up, it was like nothing had ever happened. What is it about bedtime that makes my mind race? Sometimes it's like the harder I try not to think about something, to push self doubt and anxiety out of my mind, the more it consumes me.

A few days after "the incident," I had an idea to make a list of things I'm capable of in an attempt to remind myself that I can and have overcome my self doubt/anxiety/fear.

I'm capable of...

+ saying "no." If I don't agree with something, don't want to do something or don't want to represent myself or something in a suggested way, I can say "no." It has taken me a long time to get to a point where I am OK with telling people "no." I'm a people pleaser by nature, so "no" wasn't a prominent fixture in my vocabulary for quite some time. But saying "yes" didn't always make me happy.

+ standing up for myself. Again, I'm a people pleaser. Often times I would let people walk all over me just because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or make someone feel stupid. Who's the stupid one now? Don't answer that. I've discovered, with some practice, that it's possible to stand up for myself in a way that doesn't hurt people's feelings.

+ not being busy. I've mentioned this before but I have always been a woman on-the-go. I kept a ridiculously full schedule that kept me away from home much of the week. I lived by the premise that if I had some free time I needed to fill it because I was surely missing out on something. Turns out I was - me time, time with my family and friends, time with Shawn, time relaxing, time enjoying the things I wanted to enjoy. Lately, I've had much more free time. It was tough at first to not fill my schedule, but after a few weeks, I realized that I rather enjoyed just coming home and relaxing, or walking the dogs, or working out, or reading, or laughing with Shawn, or watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory and Modern Family.

+ being domestic. Contrary to what Shawn might tell you, I can clean and do laundry. I just didn't have time before - because I was too busy doing everything else.

+ saving money. Fresh out of college, I was a big spender. And by big spender, I mean my BFF was my Visa card. I had my first big girl job and dirt-cheap rent. And it came back to bite me in the arse like credit card debt usually does. Several years later, rather than running off to Forever 21 on pay day, I diligently write out my budget for the month. And seeing my savings account slowly add up has become just as therapeutic as retail therapy. 

+ being happy with me. I think there are times we all struggle with accepting ourselves. With understanding that we have the power to change the things about ourselves that we don't like. With being honest with ourselves. We compare ourselves to others, we criticize ourselves, we pick and pick and pick and break ourselves down bit by bit. But that gets old. Real old. And one of the greatest accomplishments that we can achieve is to truly love ourselves and be happy with who we are. I'm not saying that I'm always happy with me, but those moments of doubt are what keep me growing and becoming a better version of myself.

+ being a good wife. When I was busy making time for everything and everyone else, the person who suffered the most was Shawn. We would argue over my hectic schedule and how little time I actually spent with him. I stopped doing the little things and began taking his consistent presence in my life for granted. My priorities were not in order and our marriage suffered. All relationships need TLC, and I didn't leave time in my schedule to coddle ours in the way it needed and deserved. I'm happy to report that things have changed, my priorities have straightened themselves out and I am a much better wife than I was a few months ago.

+ being a shot caller, like this ridiculously soft and comfy t-shirt from IWYP By: Whitney Ellen suggests. I don't think it's any secret how big a fan of t-shirts I am - they are a staple in my comfy chic personal style - and this is one of the best tees I've ever put on my body. Whitney has done it again with this charcoal gray with metallic gold ink oversized t-shirt. You have just over a week left to pre-order this latest design by IWYP. Note: I'm wearing a medium.


Anonymous said...

I love this shirt! It is not always easy to say no or be okay with not being busy. Great points!

Because of Jackie said...

Love this! You look awesome in that tee, loving the style. I am also good at NOT being busy (I hate being too busy), and can say no quite easily (see, not having to be busy, above;)

Renee said...

Such a great post and something I'm sure so many of us can relate to. That shirt looks awesome on you, by the way!

Kristen said...

love love that tee. and this post is fabulous - very well written and i agree with most everything :)

Pamela said...

So cute & comfy! :) Love your list!! It's amazing at the good changes that can come, if we realize what we need to change (for the better, obviously!) about ourselves!

He Calls Me Grace said...

I can't wait to get my shirt in the mail!

It is definitly important to know your limits and what you are capable of... and to not apologize for it!

Vianney said...

I really like this post- it's so often hard to remember what your are truly capable of, in the midst of daily struggles and stress!

Jamie Vespa said...

<3 this post so much! And you, my dear, are just gorgeous!

Sarah said...

LOVE this post. I am the same with staying busy. If I'm not multi tasking at something then what is the point?!

Jen @ That's What She Read said...

i can't decide which I love most, the shirt or this post. probably both. I struggle with all of this! Self doubt is such a struggle for me too! glad i am not alone!

Rachel Emily said...

Check, check, check. I'm pretty sure all of these things I have come to realize too. Except being busy. I'm still probably too busy to really cultivate deep relationships with the people that matter, but I'm working on it. You go girl!

sophistifunk said...

I love, love, love this month's IWYP tee! It looks great on you :)

xo Brie

ukash said...

I love this shirt! It is not always easy to say no or be okay with not being busy. Great points!

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